A long way down by Nick Hornby

Author:Nick Hornby [Hornby, Nick]
Format: epub, pdf
Tags: Apartment dwellers, Fiction - General, Suicide, Psychology, Modern & contemporary fiction (post c 1945), General, Literary, Psychological, General & Literary Fiction, Fiction, Lesbian
ISBN: 9780670915637
Publisher: Viking
Published: 2005-05-14T23:00:00+00:00

MAUREEN

I didn't think I'd ever be able to go back to the church again after the interview with Linda. I'd been thinking about it a bit, the day before; I missed it terribly, and I wondered whether God would really mind if I just sat at the back and didn't go to confession - sneaked out somehow before communion. But once I'd told Linda that I'd seen an angel, I knew that I'd have to keep away, that I wouldn't be able to go back before I died. I didn't know exactly what sin I'd committed, but I was sure that sins involving making up angels were mortal.

I still thought I was going to kill myself when the six weeks were up; what would have changed my mind? I was busier than I'd ever been, what with the press interviews and the meetings, and I suppose that took my mind off things. But all the running around just felt like last-minute activity, as if I had some things to get done before I went on holiday. That file://C:\WINDOWS\TEMP\8EHHJFRF.htm

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was who I was, then: a person who was going to kill herself soon, the moment I could get round to it.

I was going to say that I saw the first little glimmer of light that day, the day of the interview with Linda, but it wasn't really like that. It was more as if I'd already chosen what I was going to watch on TV; and I was beginning to look forward to it, and then noticed that there was something else on that might be more interesting. I don't know about you, but choice isn't always what I want. You can end up flicking between one channel and another, and not watching either programme properly. I don't know how people with the cable television cope.

What happened was that after the interview, I found myself talking to JJ. He was going back to his flat, and I was heading towards the bus stop, and we ended up walking along together. I'm not sure he wanted to, really, because we've hardly spoken since I slapped that man on New Year's Eve, but it was one of those awkward situations where I was walking five paces behind him, so he stopped for me.

'That was kind of hard, wasn't it?' he said, and I was surprised, because I thought I was the only one who'd found it difficult.

'I hate lies,' I said.

He looked at me and laughed, and then I remembered about his lie.

'No offence,' I said. 'I lied too. I lied about the angel. And I lied to Matty, as well. About going to a party on New Year's Eve. And to the people in the respite home.'

'God'll forgive you for those, I think.' We walked along a little bit more, and then he said, for no reason that I could tell, 'What would it take to change your mind?'

'About what?'

'About… you know. Wanting To End It All.'

I didn't know what to say.

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